(this guest post brought to you by @AndyBursh)
Dear Disciple of Khaine and Warrior Priest,
I hate you, I really do, but I love you too damned much to stay mad at you.
First things first: I’ve got to ask you how a 1s group heal that can heal for more than a 2.5s single target heal isn’t unbalanced?
You’re fantastic partners to have as a healer, but I have a sort of love/hate relationship with you. I love healing alongside you, because you keep me alive and make up for my absence when I’m kiting somebody around; even while you stand in one spot whistling and making origami penguins. It’s like you’d be just as happy and effective without me.
When I’m running around like a mad man screaming for help, unable to help heal the group with more than HoTs, you stand stoic, spamming that group heal, determined to make sure our groups health never drops. Thanks. I hate you.
Beside your overpowered might, I look no more than a child in one of my mother’s ill-fitting dresses. I guess it’s cool though, because you don’t have a clue what to do when the other team all decide to beat up the same person; that’s where you need my help. In those peaceful moments when I’m not dead and I’m not running away like a Shaman with a speed proc, I put absorb shields on our MDPS and magical infusions on our little tanks; it makes me ever so happy to see them drop below 20% health and then go shooting back up instantly. I know some of that is down to you, but I tell myself that was all my work; it helps me get through the day, ok!?
I prance around cleaning up those little bits you missed with your incessant group heal spam, and tickling our enemies with my debuffs. Sometimes, I even put a HoT on you because it makes me feel good.
Then I see the scoreboard. You’ve done ten bajillion healing in nine minutes, and I’ve done about five thousand; but I was putting HoTs on everybody and using my channelled heal to save my favourite little Slayer from being blown up by the nasty Sorcerer .. I hardly even died either. I felt like I’d done really well, but no, you take that all away from with your stupid group heal. By the time I’ve cast a heal, or seen a HoT tic, your next wave of health has hit and rendered my efforts null; but if it weren’t that way, you wouldn’t be the same stubborn, armour clad, hammer wielding prat I fell in hate with.
When I see the enemy, I cry and run away. What do you do? You stand there like a statue and take the beating with that ridiculous armour, you idiot; but then you’re still spamming that stupid group heal and keeping me alive! You only do it because you can’t run away in that much armour.
If I’m lucky, I’ll see that skanky Witch Elf coming. Then, when she pops on me, I’ll be able to get away, and lead her on a wild goose chase around the map; all the time jeering at her and screaming for help. If she catches me though, I’m dead. Again. Not even you can save me. You wouldn’t even try, but if I can keep her away for long enough your constant healing might keep me alive until the friendly neighbourhood Dwarf comes and hits her round the head. If you were in trouble, and by some miracle I wasn’t, I’d heal you with everything I’ve got, because I love you that much!
So, you make me look pathetic on the scoreboard – stealing all my healing points – and then you make me look like a weakling when somebody attacks me. Great … but your wounds buff is so damned good for me, how could I stay mad at you?
Sometimes, I get tired of looking like a fool compared to you. You make me so angry, I unleash the power of Khaine upon my enemies in a tirade of lasers and pain – but I still heal people, or myself. I run around the map, trying to find that stupid Choppa so I can put all my DoTs on him then burn his face off with my Searing Touch. During all this, what’s happening to our groups health? That’s right, it’s not going anywhere. You’ve got it covered. See, I told you it’s like you don’t even need me. I feel so unappreciated.
Still, I suppose I should take solace in the fact that I can try and kill people when you make me angry. In fact, I’m pretty much a one-elf killing machine. I don’t need you to heal me. My enemies pain is my tonic.
Sorry, what? You can do that too? When have I ever made you angry? What? You get to run around with a big hammer smacking people in the face? Fantastic. I guess I should have figured that you carry a hammer for a reason. So you’re telling me you can do all those things that I thought made me special – healing myself by damaging my enemies – AND that stupid armour of yours means you can go toe-to-toe with those ugly Marauders? That’s just unfair.
Well, I have heard more complaints about my legendary damage, so I guess I must just be better than you. So there!
I don’t know if you know this though, but people really hate it when you get your big hammer out. When you hold it in both hands, it’s like you forget how to heal completely. What am I meant to do if you’re not wildly spamming your group heal like the disabled chimp I’ve grown to love? Well, I’ll die a lot more, and so will the rest of our team.
You know what, I’m glad you’re a healer. I love you when you heal. You keep everybody alive, suffuse us with the glow of high quality group heals. However, if I hear you’ve been having another affair with a Rune Priest, it’s over. I’m going dps spec forever.